Pulse Check

He asked for a pulse check

I said unsteady, unpredictable.

Jumpy? He questioned and then listened.

Broken, jumpy implies strength…

I don’t feel like I have that right now.

I feel like I’m faking it.

I’ve been breaking glass in the basement.

I like the broken things.

I like the way they look.

I like the way it feels to break them.

Mostly, I like the way you can’t ever put them back together in the same way

…if at all.

You mend the pieces and they look completely different, new.

Or they stay broken and become something else entirely.

I look different right now.

A month ago I was someone different,

and I think that’s why my pulse feels broken.

I think I’m putting my pieces back together.

The reconciliation of feeling good,

but also feeling terrible for letting go.

It’s a tangible change.

I stand taller and walk with a little more swag

Literally with a little more of Swag.

She was powerful.

She knew she was beautiful.

She knew she ran our house.

I walk with her in me.

Her bell reminds me that I was loved once,

and I will be loved again.